Days like these

28th March 2025 

Words cannot describe what a day it has been. 

I've gone from swift crisis response to nonstop goosebumps & ready to cry any minute to complete numbness and finally coming back, feeling human again. 

& it took me a physical embrace - a human hug. To calm my nervous system, to assure me everything is okay and we will get through this. Thank you Ridhima, I needed it more than I can ever express. 

I am extremely grateful for all my friends & family - who stood by me rock solid. Calling me every hour to check-in, urging me to eat, giving me permission to not feel brave, reminding me that it's okay for me to not have it all together. 

I am not someone who is easily ruffled. Today was scary. Existential, intimidating, terrifying - down right scary. 

God is kind, everyone has checked-in and reported safe and doing okay. 

I wish to never relive this ever again. Glad it's over. 

The beginning of the end.

So, here we are, 96 hours later. In a much better place. What's happened you ask? Nothing, I've simply stepped back to claim my power, to live the independent, beautiful, peaceful & joyous life that I have gone through way too much to build! 

As someone rightly said, life is better without baggage. But baggage, what is baggage. It is as big as we make it to be. I genuinely believe that as humans, we are constantly evolving and if someone tells me that people don't change, I get very disappointed. And furthermore, if someone says, people can change in the short term but not in the long term. 

The funny thing about life & expectations is that it is always, constantly changing and evolving. Yes, we can really irk someone with our behavior, we can really fight for attention, but the question is who do we do these to? The people we deeply care about, the people we likely are very fond of, to say the least. Do we get upset if a friend doesn't answer our call when we really want to speak to them? Not necessarily. The same is also true for a loved one but sometimes, we just want to see the person, just hear their voice - even if for a brief second. And technology has made it possible to do so. But sometimes, the other person is not in the mood to. And our response can clash with their response. End result - two people who just want some time with one another, are hurting from their respective reactions. Fair feelings, given the circumstances. But, is it fair to draw a line and a conclusion that the person is high maintenance and is not worth the effort? I mean, really? 

Well, this is how life works. We spend an eternity trying to protect ourselves from this hurt. Trying to avoid admitting just how much we like the other person because we think this will be the inevitable end. And yet, just as we attempt to give life a chance - this is what happens. Judgement & rejection. It can be hard. It can be very hard. & more so, if it happens twice with the same person, almost half a decade apart. And you think to yourself, he dint want me then, what made me think he wants me now! Yet, the feelings of affection & love can bring out the vulnerable us. & vulnerability doesn't always have a place because it is when you are displaying your weakest side & often people can't handle it. & people often draw the conclusion that this is who you are. If only they knew, if only they could see. 

No point crying over spilled milk, if only our tears understood that! But, life like I said is too beautiful to not live each day to the fullest. 

& in the words of Francis Thompson - 

"She went her unremembering way, 

she went & left in me 

The pang of al the partings gone, 

And partings yet to be." 

Expectations.

I have been crying at the drop of a hat lately, so I think it is time to let it out (with tears in my eyes as I type this).

What happens:

Life. 

Expectations. 

Communication. 

Misunderstanding. 

Missed opportunity.

One text. 

One reply. 

Alot more drama. 

Silence. 

One more text. 

One more reply with a :)

and some more drama. 

followed by one more text with a take care with a full stop. 

What we wish would've happened instead:

One flight.  

some time spent together. 

One more flight. 

Some more time. 

Alot less drama. 

Alot more understanding. 

Communication. 

Expectations. 

A lot less drama, a lot more peace.

Life :) 

So, I think after the life experiences I have had, I am still a romantic. Why you ask? I long to be held, to be comforted, to be spoilt and watching sappy romantic movies doesn't make it all go away, it makes it all come right back. When will I learn. Will I ever?

I am a fiercely independent woman as anyone would describe me - living life on my own terms and travelling and living the life of my dreams. I am not denying it - it's all true. But as they say, when we get what we want, we move to the next desire. My battle for approval from my parents, for them to partake in my success has been ongoing since school. My effort towards studies wasn't good enough, my CAT scores were not good enough, my placement wasn't good enough, my attitude wasn't the best - I was never good enough. 

My parents have never really taken interest in me or my life or been very proud of me. I have been living overseas for two years, and it has never occurred to them to come visit me. And very recently when I brought up the topic, there were family weddings to be attended. Priorities. I am not on their list. It has always been like this - my mother shows affection as long as I toe the line she and the society expect me to, but that is usually not the case. Anyway, the point is not to blame them. It is what it is, it is not new, I should be used it by now. What I think this has done to my life is given me unhealthy attachments. My subconscious need for love, care, affection and approval is so high that I have been in unhealthy relationships only because I felt seen. 

And now, I am wondering how I should heal my heart and accept that I am for myself in this world, and I have myself, my own unwavering support & belief that I will get through the next curve ball that life will throw at me. Instead, all I do is cry, cry and cry some more at just how lonely I feel. 

No one should go through this feeling of being unwanted. Not even when they are in their late thirties. 

Okay, I cannot type further because these tears have decided to really pour. Gotta go. But will be back. 

PS - I love life, I am grateful for it - I am just trying to process my feelings, and writing helps me do that.