Ramblings of 2021

Today's post is going about ramblings as they come to my mind and I promise I will publish this unedited. You know why, because, one thing that I am is brave. 

Today I spoke to a long lost friend after ages (I mean really speaking! of course we text each other all the time). We both realised that the last decade has just flown by.. and that is life - so transient, so fluid. 

Yet, all I have wanted from my life all these years is for it to be stable. For it to be defined in concrete terms and it dawned upon me today that, it's ironical for us humans to want to define and hold something in our hands, exactly the way we have been imagining it, when the nature of it is to be fluid and to go on and to take unanticipated, unexpected turns all the time. I mean that's what life is all about - isn't it?

To be honest, I feel grateful, as I sit here and look back at my life. I am content. I don't have complaints - really, I don't. And one of the reasons for that is that I know my decisions have shaped my life, at least ever since I moved to Bombay. The city that made me who I am today - independent, free and confident. Comfortable in my own skin, not afraid to call out the wrongs and willing to stand by and live the consequences of doing the right thing. 

I can safely say that a lot of people find their contentment in toeing the line that has been drawn out for them. I did that once and it did not work out as others would have expected. Did it pay off ? In the larger scheme of things, yes, it certainly did. It gave me the platform I had been yearning for. It gave me the freedom I so wanted all those years growing up in a protected environment that expected me to be independent too ( I know its a conflicting statement but who said we are perfect) !

And so if I had it all, what really went wrong ? (The answer shouldn't surprise anyone because this is what we all do.) Well, what went wrong was that I took my freedom for granted. I was so accustomed to the fact that independence was a given, I began to value it less and less. Until, I put myself in an awkward situation where I was expected to toe the line, to listen, and then, to even overlook lies and to carry on as if everything was fine and acceptable.

I was happy to do it, except I forgot I cannot put up with deceit. I begged for the truth to be told, it did not come. Days and weeks turned into months, nothing changed. Well, actually something changed. I realised that all I wanted was to be at peace with myself. And the fact that I was being true to myself and not agreeing to simply resign to my destiny (oh yes! deja vu from a decade earlier) was more than enough for me. 

What I have realised is that we are a sum total of all our experiences - I am that too. And I know every storm passes and that I live to see the light at the end of the tunnel, every single time. I have faith and I firmly believe that this storm has passed. What's different is that I am stronger and braver than ever before. 

What I value above all else is being honest - with myself and with those around me! I have embraced myself for who I really am and am not ashamed of it! In my eyes, I take on problems head on and I don't believe in social taboos. Well, some may hate my guts for it - so be it.  Cheers to being authentic and unapologetic !

And as I go, I will leave you with these lines by Maya Angelou:

You may write me down in history, 

with your bitter twisted lies, 

You may trod in the very dirt, 

But still, like dust, I'll rise.