Gratitude

 Today's post is actually yesterday's post. What a beautiful sunday it was. Actually, what a beautiful life it is. I feel so grateful to have something that I hold so dear to me that everytime I think of not having it, it makes me even more grateful for the fact that I have it - finally. What is it you ask? It is the complete & unabashed permission to be me - all my quirks, all my imperfections to be able to share my insecurities with someone. 

Yesterday, as happens at times, we were stuck in a wait for the car to be loaded on to the ferry for a little over 2 hours & while we were sitting there, initially, smug in the back of a chauffeur driven, air conditioned Fortuner, wondering, how this could be happening to us, how we did not take the right decision & how it had come to this huge time delay of just sitting there & not being able to do anything about it, a little while later, both of us adults, got into what we do best - him working on the side, me immersing myself in reading my book on the borrowed (now mine) kindle.

The car eventually got loaded on to the ferry & he continued to be on the pre-scheduled call & I stood there at the edge of the ferry, looking at the vast expanse of the ocean wondering to myself how I felt so happy, so content, so grateful & so much at peace with where I am at. A smile spread across my face & I made a mental note to myself that I must pen this down tomorrow before the memory fleets past. 

A few weeks ago, a month rather, there was an earthquake - with its tremors & aftershocks & the scare that comes with it. Existential that in that moment, I could have been swiped off the face of the earth & nothing would have mattered but then here I am living this moment, exactly where I am supposed to be, exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I am happy, I am content & I am grateful for it all. 

I did go and splurge an unnecessary amount of money on diamond bangles after the earthquake even though I dint really need those bangles but because the earthquake made me feel like I can die with all the retirement funds and no life to live anymore. The earthquake also made me realize that there are all kinds of people - Roshan, who no matter what has transpired or what has brought us where we are, she will always be there - in a way, she always is. Dipanjana - who is my rock, will always be there. Pritish - can comfort me sitting miles away & he will always be there for me & above all, I have Sauraj - who is mine & I am his & that's all that matters. The hugs, the cuddles, the love, the affection - at the end of the day -it's all that matters - this safe company of this man who is far from perfect but like pieces in a puzzle, when we are together, we just fit & the world is bright & there are travel plans to be made & mountains to be scaled. 

May we all have & cherish the people in our lives!  <3 

Days like these

28th March 2025 

Words cannot describe what a day it has been. 

I've gone from swift crisis response to nonstop goosebumps & ready to cry any minute to complete numbness and finally coming back, feeling human again. 

& it took me a physical embrace - a human hug. To calm my nervous system, to assure me everything is okay and we will get through this. Thank you Ridhima, I needed it more than I can ever express. 

I am extremely grateful for all my friends & family - who stood by me rock solid. Calling me every hour to check-in, urging me to eat, giving me permission to not feel brave, reminding me that it's okay for me to not have it all together. 

I am not someone who is easily ruffled. Today was scary. Existential, intimidating, terrifying - down right scary. 

God is kind, everyone has checked-in and reported safe and doing okay. 

I wish to never relive this ever again. Glad it's over. 

The beginning of the end.

So, here we are, 96 hours later. In a much better place. What's happened you ask? Nothing, I've simply stepped back to claim my power, to live the independent, beautiful, peaceful & joyous life that I have gone through way too much to build! 

As someone rightly said, life is better without baggage. But baggage, what is baggage. It is as big as we make it to be. I genuinely believe that as humans, we are constantly evolving and if someone tells me that people don't change, I get very disappointed. And furthermore, if someone says, people can change in the short term but not in the long term. 

The funny thing about life & expectations is that it is always, constantly changing and evolving. Yes, we can really irk someone with our behavior, we can really fight for attention, but the question is who do we do these to? The people we deeply care about, the people we likely are very fond of, to say the least. Do we get upset if a friend doesn't answer our call when we really want to speak to them? Not necessarily. The same is also true for a loved one but sometimes, we just want to see the person, just hear their voice - even if for a brief second. And technology has made it possible to do so. But sometimes, the other person is not in the mood to. And our response can clash with their response. End result - two people who just want some time with one another, are hurting from their respective reactions. Fair feelings, given the circumstances. But, is it fair to draw a line and a conclusion that the person is high maintenance and is not worth the effort? I mean, really? 

Well, this is how life works. We spend an eternity trying to protect ourselves from this hurt. Trying to avoid admitting just how much we like the other person because we think this will be the inevitable end. And yet, just as we attempt to give life a chance - this is what happens. Judgement & rejection. It can be hard. It can be very hard. & more so, if it happens twice with the same person, almost half a decade apart. And you think to yourself, he dint want me then, what made me think he wants me now! Yet, the feelings of affection & love can bring out the vulnerable us. & vulnerability doesn't always have a place because it is when you are displaying your weakest side & often people can't handle it. & people often draw the conclusion that this is who you are. If only they knew, if only they could see. 

No point crying over spilled milk, if only our tears understood that! But, life like I said is too beautiful to not live each day to the fullest. 

& in the words of Francis Thompson - 

"She went her unremembering way, 

she went & left in me 

The pang of al the partings gone, 

And partings yet to be." 

Expectations.

I have been crying at the drop of a hat lately, so I think it is time to let it out (with tears in my eyes as I type this).

What happens:

Life. 

Expectations. 

Communication. 

Misunderstanding. 

Missed opportunity.

One text. 

One reply. 

Alot more drama. 

Silence. 

One more text. 

One more reply with a :)

and some more drama. 

followed by one more text with a take care with a full stop. 

What we wish would've happened instead:

One flight.  

some time spent together. 

One more flight. 

Some more time. 

Alot less drama. 

Alot more understanding. 

Communication. 

Expectations. 

A lot less drama, a lot more peace.

Life :) 

So, I think after the life experiences I have had, I am still a romantic. Why you ask? I long to be held, to be comforted, to be spoilt and watching sappy romantic movies doesn't make it all go away, it makes it all come right back. When will I learn. Will I ever?

I am a fiercely independent woman as anyone would describe me - living life on my own terms and travelling and living the life of my dreams. I am not denying it - it's all true. But as they say, when we get what we want, we move to the next desire. My battle for approval from my parents, for them to partake in my success has been ongoing since school. My effort towards studies wasn't good enough, my CAT scores were not good enough, my placement wasn't good enough, my attitude wasn't the best - I was never good enough. 

My parents have never really taken interest in me or my life or been very proud of me. I have been living overseas for two years, and it has never occurred to them to come visit me. And very recently when I brought up the topic, there were family weddings to be attended. Priorities. I am not on their list. It has always been like this - my mother shows affection as long as I toe the line she and the society expect me to, but that is usually not the case. Anyway, the point is not to blame them. It is what it is, it is not new, I should be used it by now. What I think this has done to my life is given me unhealthy attachments. My subconscious need for love, care, affection and approval is so high that I have been in unhealthy relationships only because I felt seen. 

And now, I am wondering how I should heal my heart and accept that I am for myself in this world, and I have myself, my own unwavering support & belief that I will get through the next curve ball that life will throw at me. Instead, all I do is cry, cry and cry some more at just how lonely I feel. 

No one should go through this feeling of being unwanted. Not even when they are in their late thirties. 

Okay, I cannot type further because these tears have decided to really pour. Gotta go. But will be back. 

PS - I love life, I am grateful for it - I am just trying to process my feelings, and writing helps me do that. 

This one is for you Grandpa!

Today marks the 5th death anniversary of my grandfather. I miss him dearly. 

My tears well up as I type these words. He was a super affectionate, awesomely caring individual who went a little early as he lost his will to live. While he was alive, we spoke every two-three days and he had even given up asking me about my plans to settle down in life (yes, he was orthodox in some of his thinking) but, in most things, he was quite evolved. 

He was a passionate individual who gave his all to whatever he did. Case in point, there were some dues that he had to get from one of the government firms right from the 1980's. Till his dying day, he pursued the matter and wrote letters after letter to the authorities in the hope that one day his labor will bear fruit. That day never came. But, what I learnt from this is grit and perseverance are qualities that one must have. 

When computers became an ordinary appliance to be found in every nook and corner, he learnt how to operate one. Albeit slowly, he picked up excel sheets, MS word and much more. A lesson that age is just a number and learning can happen anytime. He never hesitated to ask any of his grandchildren for help on this! He was so comfortable doing that because he was focused on learning the skills, not who  taught him. 

He was always eager to entertain friends and family - he firmly believed in the power of all. He introduced me to some of my favourite people in life.  A distant cousin, of who's existence, I was blissfully unaware of, was brought into my life by my grandfather, at one of the many trips I made to the IITs. He is one of the people I am really close to and am glad to have him! 

My grandfather was a great host - always on top of people's preferences and choices! It's one of the traits that I try to emulate and remember choices especially in food ! :)

Well, he wasn't perfect, he took decisions which I guess he regretted at some point in his life. And, again, there is something to learn from those as well. 

In the end, he was such a blessing to have around and now that he is not around anymore, I dearly miss him. But continue to remember him and the joyous memories he has left me with. 

I miss you badepapa. I wish I could see you one more time.. 

PS: This was meant to be published on 16th June, but since August is his birthday month, I think this is a better time for this post ! 

 

Discoveries !!

Sometimes, when you least expect, life can take a turn. Just a turn that's pleasant in this present moment. No promises, no expectations and no complications. Just plain happiness. 

I'm happy today. With everything in my life. I know it's far from perfect, I know it could be fleeting, I am aware that it's as transient as life itself. And yet, I am here and I am happy. Touchwood. 

Flashback to understand how I got here - 

A gazillion questions in my head as I pace about my room getting ready and trying to get my scattered brain to stop with the questions. Getting me out of my house always takes an extra push, and this time it had taken many many hours of self talk to convince myself that I needed to do this for myself. I was agitated with the fact that I had nobody to accompany me, yet, knew this must be done. 

A super long flight - that zoomed past thanks to my inquisitive brain finally giving up and slipping into slumber - and a longish cab journey later, I find myself dipping my feet in water and just gazing at the sky. 

There is something about the air, they say. You know - hawa paani badalne se milne wala sukh dukh ( refer to DDLJ's bauji's dialogue on Simran's visible unhappiness). Thankfully, in my case, it was my visible happiness - very evident to my enthusiastic mom on the video call and to myself in the mirror. 

Next morning, I set off on an adventure starting with hitching a pillion ride to walk the colorful rues, taste the local delicacies (how I wish, I could lay my hands on the heavenly date walnut cake again) and to send a postcard to my favourite human! 

The wind in my face and the ear to ear smile , captured beautifully on my selfie video said it all - I felt free. Free of any judgement, free to be myself and to live as I please. 

The next few days were equally brilliant, socialising with stark strangers, hitching more pillion rides, ditching those for cosy car rides, hiring a bike and testing how fast I can go, getting fined for not wearing a helmet,  mastering the art of drinking the local brew, learning to dip the bread in the curry correctly, exploring an abandoned city, taking a bike on the ferry and exploring an island, swapping to-do lists with do-nothing days, swimming in waterfalls and jumping off cliffs!! 

I have to admit, I wish I had come on a one way ticket after all. But, anyway, that's for another day. 

By the end of the trip, I was so grateful that I did not have anyone known to me with me on the trip. I lost myself a lil, found myself a whole lot and re-discovered my cheerful , bubbly (for the lack of a better word) self. 

I am so happy for giving myself this chance to experience life and this city in an unprecedented way. It's hard to articulate in words what changed, but, something inside me has changed, literally, transformed. Back to who I really am. Who I always will be. 

I believe in me. I have faith in me. I will be alright, heck, I am kick-ass ! 

Little Humans !

This little human is such a sweetie pie, 

And let me not lie, 

But, sometimes the pandemic seems like a blessing,

After all, I have her company and this feeling of love that I had been missing! 

Spending the entire day in search of a new why! 

Why to study, why not watch nonstop Netflix,

Why is it so hot, why do I not get to click unending pics !!

She is an adorable little kid, 

Refusing to leave my side even for a trip to the hills.. 

My company for evening fitness regimes, 

She is the stuff only found in dreams.. 

Sensitive at heart, 

great at remembering every lil baat! 

I am loving all this attention, 

And all the importance.. 

Not to mention the dominance.. 

We will not be sleeping before one, 

We will be watching mermaid series even after they are all done.. 

You must narrate a bedtime story,

And then must listen to my version! 

Don't be such a secret teller, bua, 

And the answer to everything is - toh kya hua ! 

Order Alexa to play me the song I want, 

And the occasional daant, 

For leaving my airpods or securid carelessly! 

She says - introduce me to new songs like lemon tree, 

And then end up on a loop listening spree! 

Weekend beckons movie afternoons 

Sans any spelling goons ! 

I love this little human of mine, 

And this truly is love - better than the finest wine !!! :)