This one is for you Grandpa!

Today marks the 5th death anniversary of my grandfather. I miss him dearly. 

My tears well up as I type these words. He was a super affectionate, awesomely caring individual who went a little early as he lost his will to live. While he was alive, we spoke every two-three days and he had even given up asking me about my plans to settle down in life (yes, he was orthodox in some of his thinking) but, in most things, he was quite evolved. 

He was a passionate individual who gave his all to whatever he did. Case in point, there were some dues that he had to get from one of the government firms right from the 1980's. Till his dying day, he pursued the matter and wrote letters after letter to the authorities in the hope that one day his labor will bear fruit. That day never came. But, what I learnt from this is grit and perseverance are qualities that one must have. 

When computers became an ordinary appliance to be found in every nook and corner, he learnt how to operate one. Albeit slowly, he picked up excel sheets, MS word and much more. A lesson that age is just a number and learning can happen anytime. He never hesitated to ask any of his grandchildren for help on this! He was so comfortable doing that because he was focused on learning the skills, not who  taught him. 

He was always eager to entertain friends and family - he firmly believed in the power of all. He introduced me to some of my favourite people in life.  A distant cousin, of who's existence, I was blissfully unaware of, was brought into my life by my grandfather, at one of the many trips I made to the IITs. He is one of the people I am really close to and am glad to have him! 

My grandfather was a great host - always on top of people's preferences and choices! It's one of the traits that I try to emulate and remember choices especially in food ! :)

Well, he wasn't perfect, he took decisions which I guess he regretted at some point in his life. And, again, there is something to learn from those as well. 

In the end, he was such a blessing to have around and now that he is not around anymore, I dearly miss him. But continue to remember him and the joyous memories he has left me with. 

I miss you badepapa. I wish I could see you one more time.. 

PS: This was meant to be published on 16th June, but since August is his birthday month, I think this is a better time for this post ! 

 

Discoveries !!

Sometimes, when you least expect, life can take a turn. Just a turn that's pleasant in this present moment. No promises, no expectations and no complications. Just plain happiness. 

I'm happy today. With everything in my life. I know it's far from perfect, I know it could be fleeting, I am aware that it's as transient as life itself. And yet, I am here and I am happy. Touchwood. 

Flashback to understand how I got here - 

A gazillion questions in my head as I pace about my room getting ready and trying to get my scattered brain to stop with the questions. Getting me out of my house always takes an extra push, and this time it had taken many many hours of self talk to convince myself that I needed to do this for myself. I was agitated with the fact that I had nobody to accompany me, yet, knew this must be done. 

A super long flight - that zoomed past thanks to my inquisitive brain finally giving up and slipping into slumber - and a longish cab journey later, I find myself dipping my feet in water and just gazing at the sky. 

There is something about the air, they say. You know - hawa paani badalne se milne wala sukh dukh ( refer to DDLJ's bauji's dialogue on Simran's visible unhappiness). Thankfully, in my case, it was my visible happiness - very evident to my enthusiastic mom on the video call and to myself in the mirror. 

Next morning, I set off on an adventure starting with hitching a pillion ride to walk the colorful rues, taste the local delicacies (how I wish, I could lay my hands on the heavenly date walnut cake again) and to send a postcard to my favourite human! 

The wind in my face and the ear to ear smile , captured beautifully on my selfie video said it all - I felt free. Free of any judgement, free to be myself and to live as I please. 

The next few days were equally brilliant, socialising with stark strangers, hitching more pillion rides, ditching those for cosy car rides, hiring a bike and testing how fast I can go, getting fined for not wearing a helmet,  mastering the art of drinking the local brew, learning to dip the bread in the curry correctly, exploring an abandoned city, taking a bike on the ferry and exploring an island, swapping to-do lists with do-nothing days, swimming in waterfalls and jumping off cliffs!! 

I have to admit, I wish I had come on a one way ticket after all. But, anyway, that's for another day. 

By the end of the trip, I was so grateful that I did not have anyone known to me with me on the trip. I lost myself a lil, found myself a whole lot and re-discovered my cheerful , bubbly (for the lack of a better word) self. 

I am so happy for giving myself this chance to experience life and this city in an unprecedented way. It's hard to articulate in words what changed, but, something inside me has changed, literally, transformed. Back to who I really am. Who I always will be. 

I believe in me. I have faith in me. I will be alright, heck, I am kick-ass ! 

Little Humans !

This little human is such a sweetie pie, 

And let me not lie, 

But, sometimes the pandemic seems like a blessing,

After all, I have her company and this feeling of love that I had been missing! 

Spending the entire day in search of a new why! 

Why to study, why not watch nonstop Netflix,

Why is it so hot, why do I not get to click unending pics !!

She is an adorable little kid, 

Refusing to leave my side even for a trip to the hills.. 

My company for evening fitness regimes, 

She is the stuff only found in dreams.. 

Sensitive at heart, 

great at remembering every lil baat! 

I am loving all this attention, 

And all the importance.. 

Not to mention the dominance.. 

We will not be sleeping before one, 

We will be watching mermaid series even after they are all done.. 

You must narrate a bedtime story,

And then must listen to my version! 

Don't be such a secret teller, bua, 

And the answer to everything is - toh kya hua ! 

Order Alexa to play me the song I want, 

And the occasional daant, 

For leaving my airpods or securid carelessly! 

She says - introduce me to new songs like lemon tree, 

And then end up on a loop listening spree! 

Weekend beckons movie afternoons 

Sans any spelling goons ! 

I love this little human of mine, 

And this truly is love - better than the finest wine !!! :) 

Love or something like it ?

Life - as we discovered in a recent post is transient and evolving incessantly. 

Today, I will go a step further and say that life is transient because us humans are evolving with every single breath we take. 

What we wanted yesterday, may have blurred in the background and given way to something more tangible (or intangible for that matter) today. 

I just happened to watch the latest Netflix release - Haseen dilruba. Now, this is content which is contemporary and so relevant in today's times. Well, atleast that is how I feel. 

When we talk about love, more often than not, we (okay fine - I) talk about it as a very dreamy, fairytale concept. And love is anything but a dreamy fairytale with a happily ever after. 

Love needs work, it needs constant nurturing and above all, it needs the people in love to be honest with each other. 

The movie has some very real moments - guy meets girl in an arranged marriage setup, realises that the girl is out of his league ( well, this also gets quoted later by the female lead :)) and then wants her even more. In his own symbolic and cute ways, he portrays her love for her. 

I mean I do have a point of view on the name tattoo being a symbol of eternal love because tattoos, as we all know, are some of the easiest to cover up with a new one instantly. But, I will accord the benefit of doubt to the male lead for using this to showcase the depth of his love for her. Also, because when she transgresses later and he literally asks her to leave or to stay and get killed, he doesn't even think of getting the tattoo covered up! 

All the characters in the movie are flawed to an extent, and that's one of the things I love about them. Being portrayed as human, as capable of loving, being disappointed, being stupid, as capable of even cheating and even capable of hurting the other on purpose. 

Sorry for digressing, back to the plot. Girl comes home, adept at beauty hacks and inept at cooking. Mother-in-law takes to disliking her even before she arrives. Boy and girl try to make this set-up work, try to understand each other and meet each other's expectations. She is, however, dissatisfied with his performance in bed, in what seems to be the only time they indulge in sexual activity. 

He overhears her voicing her dissatisfaction to her confidantes over a phone call ! That's a big blow to his ego and he completely shuts down. 

As is what happens in real life all too often, the two fall through the cracks and any and all communication between them comes to a halt. What's good though is the portrayal of the girl as a confident, vocal woman. I love the realness of the character. 

Despite the lack of any communication, what's beautiful is that they continue to stay with each other, deal with their disappointments and possible traumas with each other, everyday. 

& right here is where a third person enters and the girl falls for him. She transgresses. This person is a coward and is gone as quickly as he came. 

Without a fuss, with utmost honesty, she confronts her truths and confesses them to the husband. He is obviously, heart broken beyond measure. And here is where the love actually starts. 

For starters, none of this is ever mentioned explicitly to any blood relatives, even though the entire town has a whiff of things. What's more - the guy shields her from the roadside romeos who are clearly disrespectful and way out of line. 

Even after all that has happened, she tries to talk to him, and he refuses to give in. And just because they are still living together, the obvious begins to simmer. They bend a little more even though she goes through the aches and pains which his deliberate actions put her through (not with a smile but she does) ! 

He threatens to kill her, she says to him point blank, do it and get done with it, and if not, to forgive her and start over. 

They make an attempt and they fall back in love but it's not as uncomplicated as it looks. As fate would have it, they end up with a murder on their hands and how they work through that is just, simply out of the realm of the ordinary (I clearly don't have words to express this - I mean giving your hand up and to do it willingly for love, I mean, this kind of stuff doesn't happen in real life, but then again, the bringing to life of the sentiment of "jaan de dunga" in the movie is beyond imagination.

And all this in the name of love. Love that has had its ups and downs, has hurt one another, has had even other people involved in the equation. And yet, finding a way back to each other and doing the unthinkable for the one who transgressed - that's love!

Love is not just about one person, it's about both the people involved. It's not about mud slinging on the other, just because they did something which wasn't acceptable to you. 

Love is as much about working through issues and being persistent, as it is about taking a time out to think things over. Love is about finding your way back home everyday and shielding one another even though you may be hurting from the inside. 

Love is never about making one look bad and attempting to isolate from people they love and turn for advice to. Love is never about blaming each other. 

Love is just love. Understood only by some and experienced by even less. 

Here's wishing you all lots of love and light in your lives !

PS - I am firmly on the side of no domestic violence and cringed at watching her go through stair slips and burns, but, then I am also against transgressing. So I was very conflicted throughout the movie but, the last 30 minutes were defining for me and made me believe in love all over again. 

PPS - the sound track is beautiful, here are lyrics from one of the songs - 

Mila yun jaise bichada na tha, mila yun, 

Khila yun jaise bigada na tha, khila yun ! 

Mera hai tu mera !

Crossing over !

 

Sometimes, life throws us a googly and we really don't know how to deal with it. A weird panic grips us - we spend endless hours thinking how to deal with it, how it will pan out to why did this happen to us.  

From covid to life's undesirable trials - she had seen it all. She had lived through a pandemic for the last 15 months, gone from being single to not so single to single again. 

What she learnt in the process was that no matter how big the panic knot in her stomach got, one day, it will give way to the more palatable butterflies which come with the occasional happy moments. And the best thing about these happy moments is that, they could not only come on their own but could also be created by her. 

That's what happened when she decided to leave the safe confines of her home and set foot out on a solo trip ! 

It was an adventure from the word go. Late nights, early mornings, gazillion steps, endless cuppas of chai, a drizzle of chilled beer and countless servings of maggi to go with it. 

And oh! The people one meets and the experiences one gathers can be so beautiful! She was creating priceless memories that come with doing what brings joy to her - travel. 

Getting in touch with one's ownself they say, is key in understanding what we want from life and what life means to us. 

Adventure and outdoors - two things she loved more than anything else! Well, there is just one thing which she held sacred and above these two and that was her hard earned freedom or one could call it independence. 

It's worth learning from nature around us as well - the river is full of turns and bends, it flows in spate and takes pieces of whatever it meets on the way along, meets the vast expanse of the sea eventually but retains its individuality and identity forever. 

The mountains stand tall, come sunshine or rain, take on the colors of the weather - white, green and even brown. Yet, they are not unattainable and welcome those willing to scale their peaks with open arms! 

She sat by the river, feet firmly dipped in the icy cold water, wind gently grazing her face and hair, and she thought to herself - this is life. This right here is my peace. I don't need another to complete me. She thought to herself - it would have been nice to call someone my own and perhaps one day it shall be that way and that will have an excitement and contentment of its own, but she knew that she was where she needed to be. She was happy, content and peaceful. 

She had gone from despair to joy as she had hoped. She had crossed over, forever. 

The Magic of Fairy Godmothers !

Of life and it's glory, 

Many an untold story,

Somedays are a breeze, 

Some days I can barely breathe.. 

We go through the ups and downs, 

And dare to climb the toughest mounts, 

Ready to face it all, 

With an enthusiastic smile and all ! 

The comfort lies in one single fact,

This relationship will forever stay intact! 

No matter what I choose, 

Her I will never lose. 

I know she is right beside me, 

Whether I laugh or I weep..

Sometimes, she knocks sense into my head,

Other times we are painting the town red! 

You know who you are, 

Just as I know how blessed I am..

To have you in my life, 

But, thankfully not as my wife (teeheehee)!

Mwah! This one is for friendship that's thicker than blood!

Draining conversations !

Have you ever had someone in your sphere of influence who can basically rant about the same thing relentlessly for hours, days, weeks and even months? Such people, in my opinion, are having that conversation with a one-point agenda i.e. to get you to agree to their point of view. There are only two ways of ending this kind of an utterly draining, tiring and fuck-all conversation:

If by some some divine luck, you still want them around in your life - be a yes man (or woman), agree to all they say and peace will be yours to keep. Well, not really! because these people will now take this opportunity to talk down at you and say - I told you so. It may be accompanied by an occasional misplaced and untimely laughter and ridicule from their end. 

The other and more permanent way to end this kind of a conversation is to basically throw these people out of your life. This will ensure you don't get drained of your energy and can actually invest the time in having more intellectually stimulating conversations with interesting people. 

There might just be another way to put an end to such conversations and that is by being mature enough to bury the hatchet and move on for good. But, that takes two to tango. 

This seldom happens with folks who take the liberty of slinging mud on you and then absolving themselves of creating any bad blood by pointing a finger at you and saying well you did this to yourself, you brought it upon yourself. You know they are right, because, come to think of it, you did give them access to you, bring them close to you without really fully understanding who they are and what they are capable of. But, as they say, it's never too late to accept and acknowledge to yourself that you made a mistake and took a wrong decision of letting these people in. And that is when you set yourself free of their drama. 

Did you notice, how I was trying to make a point about peaceful co-existence by burying the hatchet and that took a U-turn and ended up in the inevitable outcome! in a nutshell, let these people go from your life, only then can you experience a peaceful and happy life ! 

Strong !

She had assumed good intent,

And wished for a blissful co-existence. 

And yet, here she was, grappling with how people are so double faced, 

Quick to judge, to dismiss and to violate, at the first opportunity. 

She zoned in and out of every conversation,

Did her judgement err again ?

She questioned herself,

Her mind was conflicted..

How could a person pretend to be so evolved, 

When they are actually stuck in stone age ?

Imagine this - 

At the mention of an issue and demand for transparency, 

from bringing flowers and wanting to speak to an expert, 

To mud slinging and accusing of mental instability.  

Imagine this -

A display of gung-ho enthusiasm for a vacation funded by her, 

And a cry of unaffordability for an attempt to save the relationship ?

Imagine this - 

Making tall claims about being a travel junkie,

And failing to make a single trip beyond (or even within) city limits ? 

Being a woman in this country, 

esp the north, is a nightmare. 

Being an independent woman with a voice and an intellect, 

Well, intimidating for the men here (that explains the no holds barred attack).

These men quickly suggest taking away cellphones from us women, 

I mean laughable in 2021, but this is the sad reality,

And clearly, an age old tactic to take away social support, 

Because they think our souls will break and weaken in isolation. 

She came to terms with the fact that she had been abandoned rather quickly. 

What if this was to happen in a foreign land.

Well, she knew she would have been kick-ass even then,

It would have just caused some unnecessary cargo movements. 

That she will live through this traumatic experience, 

wasn't something she imagined. 

Not after all these years! 

Grateful for her safe space,

Sitting here, she thought to herself -

How privileged she was, thinking of what would have happened if she was to be in a remote village.. 

She prayed for the women there and hoped for the best for them. 

Thankful that the insanity that had taken over her life had passed, 

Peace had been restored.

What's more - she felt whole!

Right where she was, with who she was, 

And she knew now, more than ever before,

Those who fly solo, have the strongest wings. 

- This one is for strong women - may we know them, may we be them and may we raise them!

Ramblings of 2021

Today's post is going about ramblings as they come to my mind and I promise I will publish this unedited. You know why, because, one thing that I am is brave. 

Today I spoke to a long lost friend after ages (I mean really speaking! of course we text each other all the time). We both realised that the last decade has just flown by.. and that is life - so transient, so fluid. 

Yet, all I have wanted from my life all these years is for it to be stable. For it to be defined in concrete terms and it dawned upon me today that, it's ironical for us humans to want to define and hold something in our hands, exactly the way we have been imagining it, when the nature of it is to be fluid and to go on and to take unanticipated, unexpected turns all the time. I mean that's what life is all about - isn't it?

To be honest, I feel grateful, as I sit here and look back at my life. I am content. I don't have complaints - really, I don't. And one of the reasons for that is that I know my decisions have shaped my life, at least ever since I moved to Bombay. The city that made me who I am today - independent, free and confident. Comfortable in my own skin, not afraid to call out the wrongs and willing to stand by and live the consequences of doing the right thing. 

I can safely say that a lot of people find their contentment in toeing the line that has been drawn out for them. I did that once and it did not work out as others would have expected. Did it pay off ? In the larger scheme of things, yes, it certainly did. It gave me the platform I had been yearning for. It gave me the freedom I so wanted all those years growing up in a protected environment that expected me to be independent too ( I know its a conflicting statement but who said we are perfect) !

And so if I had it all, what really went wrong ? (The answer shouldn't surprise anyone because this is what we all do.) Well, what went wrong was that I took my freedom for granted. I was so accustomed to the fact that independence was a given, I began to value it less and less. Until, I put myself in an awkward situation where I was expected to toe the line, to listen, and then, to even overlook lies and to carry on as if everything was fine and acceptable.

I was happy to do it, except I forgot I cannot put up with deceit. I begged for the truth to be told, it did not come. Days and weeks turned into months, nothing changed. Well, actually something changed. I realised that all I wanted was to be at peace with myself. And the fact that I was being true to myself and not agreeing to simply resign to my destiny (oh yes! deja vu from a decade earlier) was more than enough for me. 

What I have realised is that we are a sum total of all our experiences - I am that too. And I know every storm passes and that I live to see the light at the end of the tunnel, every single time. I have faith and I firmly believe that this storm has passed. What's different is that I am stronger and braver than ever before. 

What I value above all else is being honest - with myself and with those around me! I have embraced myself for who I really am and am not ashamed of it! In my eyes, I take on problems head on and I don't believe in social taboos. Well, some may hate my guts for it - so be it.  Cheers to being authentic and unapologetic !

And as I go, I will leave you with these lines by Maya Angelou:

You may write me down in history, 

with your bitter twisted lies, 

You may trod in the very dirt, 

But still, like dust, I'll rise.